Never underestimate the entertainment value of a well-meaning church secretary armed with an old copy of  WordPerfect and a copy machine. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins:

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The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.

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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled - Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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The sermon topic this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”

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Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

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Miss Charlene Mason sang “I Will Not Pass this Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

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For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

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Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help.

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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 p.m. — prayer and medication to follow.

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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

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Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 p.m. Please use the back door.

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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

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…And this one just about sums them all up:

Associate Pastor Mike unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”